Monday, August 22, 2011

Brotherly love

He cries and he brings him a toy. Dropping it on him he feels sure he's done a good thing, while his little brother wails harder now because he has been overtaken by a heavy toy.
He laughs at his brother to cheer him up. He shoves a soother in his mouth sideways trying to get it just right. For all his good intentions his little brother at this time doesn't much appreciate it.
But once and a while they just hang out. On the couch or in a laundry basket. Big brother wraps his arms around little brother to keep him steady.
It warms a moms heart to see it.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Not even two months.

 Sadness Picture

Its not been two months since my dad passed and I feel like I've returned to regular life. Except for those moments. They catch me unguarded and vulnerable and I often would just let them stay for a while like a temporary friends visit.
I sat looking at his picture. Not one I would have picked as a photographer and as I looked at it I realized that he had that same slouched eye like me. He was smiling as they always choose for your funeral pamphlet.
I wondered if the person who placed it on the card had seen a million like it and was more concerned of the editing of it then who the man actually was.
I felt envious of people suddenly who still have their dad. I was always one to fail in areas of feeling "deserving" of what is mine. Something I need to work on.
Two months...not even two months....
I cried and the tears felt like they would never stop. The ache that is carried long after someone is gone that just sits in the back of ones heart like a dark cowboy at the back of a bar.
Two months and I had seen that sitting back there. Once and a while it would surface in tears and I didn't bother to stop it. Why would I. It would only supress it for a while and then come out later. I don't hide my tears around people or at church but only ask God to come closer. If His healing presence brings tears then so be it and who cares who sees that. Let them see. Let people see that God is gentle to me and caring and everything I need right now.
Two months...
Will people be back to their regular life two months after I have passed? Maybe less if I'm really old and they were expecting it?
In the last year I decided to put aside my "life goals" and ask God if I could help complete his goals. And this is why. Because two months after I pass people will be back to regular life. A distant memory I'll be. Missed but moved on from. And once my own generation who knew me passes no one will remember me personally. That is just how it is.
But my Father in Heaven knows me and his purpose is good for my life.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

My food!!!

So there is this thing that has occurred in our home now that I never thought I'd do. When I eat my food… if its good stuff I sneak it. I will literally hide out in the kitchen with chocolate, cereal, fruit or really anything I don't want my professional taste tester to get his little hands on.
Now that we have kids there us no longer my plate and their plate. There is only " hey what cha' got over there? Can I have some?". Then he comes over, opens his mouth and waits for fillage . Tounge stuck out gaping wide hole of hunger standing in front of me like a third world refugee.
All of a sudden it comes from my very own lips.
Yes it wasn't him. I said it.
My food! Just let me eat what's on my plate or in my bowl! You already ate yours! This is MINe!!

Settled. I crumble for some peace of mind. Some sense that feeding this mini beggar is morally right. Even though he already had his.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011


Eddyville, NY - stagnant pond
Stagnancy is the number one killer of Christians today.

Complacency has got to be one of my largest pet peeves as of currently. Complacency not among non Christians but right within our church community.
In short complacency to me is the picture of a child that responds to everything with.."i don't care". Have you ever been around someone like that? Isn't it excruciating!
I have such a desire to say "what do you care about then!??"
No passions, no cares, no looking around at our friends and family who are destined for hell.
How about this. Does the though of child pornography disturbe you? It should. Does seniors being abused or spoken to disrespectfully bother you? Does the sight of a teen on crack leave any lasting mark on your conscience? hopefully it has some effect. The effect that there is something wrong in the world. Oh if only we had a hero like the singers like to proclaim. Or , oh if someone would just save me from this meth habit, like a lost man whispers to his dog, his last friend and companion.
Complacency sees these things and says "i don't care", it says "I will not tell you of the hero I know. He is mine and I will not share him". Complacency separates us and divides us.
If you feel a note of complacency in you then begin to ask God to remove it. Ask him to show you the world as he sees it and then to give you courage to follow his direction and share the hero Jesus Christ with them.