Year End

 

At the end of each year magazines and new stations across the globe like to mark some of the great moments in 2011 (or whatever year it is!)
This year we settled into our new home, moving in in Dec. of 2010.
We then proceeded to have our second son, Benjamin Marcus Wilkins, at 7lbs 14 oz.
 Caleb, our oldest, wasn't really impressed with the new arrival and has only recently begun to accept his presence.

In the spring I was excited to be accepted as staff at Youth For Christ in Wingham and then proceeded to start fundraising. I would in December of 2011 finally be titled as hired and ready to start work Jan. 2nd 2012.

Our summer was filled with youth nights and a trip to African Lions Safari. I had a couple wedding photo jobs and some family gatherings as is the usual on the Wilkins side.

Somewhere over the summer Caleb lost his baby look and adopted his little kid look. Ben began to crawl quickly and motor around.

In June my dad passed away. Rick Bell. He was 53 I think.....
I didn't really realize it at the time that he was gone. I saw him in the casket, and I had a time of tears. But at each holiday passes it settles in how wide the cavern of death keeps us apart.

I read Isaiah again. But God told me to slow down and not eat my food so fast. So I did. And now I know why the Israelites disliked the Ninivites in Jonah on Veggie Tales. I also fell in love with John 1:5 "There is a light in the darkness. And the darkness can never extinguish it!".

Fall was quite mostly. Harvest time for Tim. And he got his AZ-R.

Now its the end of Dec. I was blessed with family and friends this season. I think often of our youth kids just as if they were our own. I think of my dad with grief. I look forward to 2012 working at the youth center. And again keeping to an old resolution NOT to make any more resolutions on New Years....I stand firm! :)

Happy New Year

Don't label Him.

Distressed, I wonder what is wrong. I wish I knew. I worry that its something I've done..have I been too impatient. Too demanding. Too leaneant?
My son is angered by so many things. The wheel on his tractor won't roll right. His brother picked up his toy. We have people over. Almost anything may set him off some days. His tantrums are fits of flails and him purposely hitting his head on the floor or really anything, including us.
I first began with me. What have I done? What did I do that made him like this? When I calmed every piece of my being in working with him he still lashed out and I am exhausted.
Why do I write this. At least why publicly? Well its real. Its not just a simple walk away kind of child. He will tantrum whether I'm there or not. Whether I come see or leave him be.
I looked to writings and found a simple but complex explanation...
The title was "The sensitive Toddler". Written on whattoexpect.com Going on to describe a chile that struggles with everyday things. I read and felt that yes, in an extreme sense this describes him.
But it absolutely scares me. It said that if it was beyond this point or that point to have it checked out and every part of me holds back because quite frankly, I just don't want my child to have a title.

Shut in.

Sometimes I feel like a bit of a shut in. Well...a lot like a shut in. Since my second son was born last February we've been moving through all those stages and finally are arriving on him almost walking.
A friend of mine had two boys almost the same amount of time appart as mine. When I met her she was adjusting to going out with two boys. And I only had my oldest at that time. I remember thinking..what's the big deal. Wrap em up and out we go!

But not now...nope. Wrap up two boys with different nap times and food requirements and movement abilities. In the day I have two windows of time consisting of 2 hours to go outside.Sometimes only one. Going outside means getting two squirming kids into snowsuits. One can't walk yet but crawls away when I'm ready to go.
Once outside they don't play together so I'm left chasing two kids. One who doesn't want to be left alone but can't walk after me.
Finally. When the youngest gets cold first the oldest doesn't want to come in and throws a tantrum out on the street. limbs and head flailing for all the neighbors to see. And he's too young to just leave out on his own. He'd just walk into the street.

So a year....out in the summer on the grass but this cold weather has been killing us. We go out when one is down but sometimes on grumpy days we may not go out at all....

A shut in...

So glad my youngest is learning to walk....
its all a stage...

Self

 Is someone allowed to inconvience you? I hate when people do. When my kids get up earlier than I want to get up. When they cry and I have to pick them up for the hundreth time. When people ask me to change my scheduel or my hair is deciding to make its own style for the day.
I rarley if ever allow God to inconvience me. Its not good I know. I make quiet time when I'm ready. I sit with my bible and read and pray and then expect him to jump to attention. And as I somberly drift away in my thoughts onto some chore that I need to do, I expect him to understand that I'm done with our quiet time.

I can't think of the last time I let God inconvience me. When his work or words or time intruded on my time and I said "yes..." .

I think sometimes that I may be an exceptionally selfish individual because deep down inside my scheduel is primary. And God's is changeable. Really it should be the other way around.

He is so patient...
I feel like a child when in comparison. When I think of my maturity towards situations and relationships. It may take me my whole life to grow up. And even then he'll still be more.

Thanksgiving weekend

We made it through Thanksgiving. I thought I would hate it all to be truthful. With two kids ages 2 and 8 months I am on constant alert for the next tempertantrum red signs or on the look out for the next Tim Horton's so I can get a cup of hot water to warm a bottle.

But it was great. Like really great. This second or third year at it was almost enjoyable!

At my brothers my son disapeared into the basement with the other kids and I barely saw him all evening except for supper where he mimicked his older cousin with every action. He was so hyper and high on life I dreaded leaving thinking of the tantrum that would ensue. However, nothing. His cousin lead him out to the car and his other cousin, a sweet little girl, pasted him with hugs and kisses to say bye.

I loved the moment and wished all our holidays could be like that.

At our second location my oldest found delight in running up and down a ramp and stairs outside. Came in to eat and right back out. One trantrum was minor and short lived and then to the swings and extremly old teeter-totter. One apparently his dad had been on when he was a child.

 

The moment I think I know him he amazes me . I thought for a mere second that I had my head around God. That I finally "got it". And there he went, showing me how much bigger than my brain he is.

I wanted to give the Holy Spirit room to move and work. There had been a worship session done a few months ago at church in the evening where it included music and prayer and the Spirit having the freedom to move. Just a sense of no agenda.

So I thought..Again! we need that again! no structure! no agenda!. And then my husband bats that out of the field with...."well if your doing the same thing twice hoping to get a random worship session of unplanned, no agenda. You are making it planned by planning it. You are scheduling it hoping for the same action of randomness. "

And I was....

I wanted the very same great experience of the Holy Spirit working on me as it had then. And it wasn't possible. Because I loved how we weren't told to sit and to stand. To be praising or in prayer. It was just arriving that made it great. Arriving with no agenda. But to do it twice suddenly starts an agenda...
I wanted God to come close like he had then. But I'm not who I was then, even if it was a few months ago.

We have so many "traditions" these days. Church every Sunday. In a building. With music, then prayer, then preaching then prayer then music then coffee.
But how many "traditions" does God have in the bible. Some festivals in the year. And communion.
When did we box God up? Stifle him into a building and brick him in? When did we put a sheet of agenda in front of him and say..meet us on Sunday at this time and this place.
I want to unbox him and throw away that sheet and say "God, tell me where to meet you! What do you have in store ? What will we do with you today?"

My Cuddlemonkey's

Ride an Elephant

At the age of about 9 I walked into my first circus. There were colors and sounds and excitement all over and kids running along side smiling parents.
I was travelling with my friend and her mom. They had invited me along with them which I normally wouldn't have gone with my parents.
When we entered the trasformed local arena that then appeared as that of a circus ring show area I grew with excitment and talked away with my friend about all we were seeing. It was the preview time before hand and you could visit the clowns or ride the elephant.
Over the speaker my name was called and I almost wasn't sure it was me. I had won a door prize. A sparkly baton that I held high and swirled around. A prize I could not have bought.
Before the show started my friend and her mom went on the elephant. I remember wanting so much to go on too but it was $5. I had got in with a free ticket from school and won a baton but all these things were given to me and I could not have got them on my own. I was a poor kid. We just didn't have money and my mom wasn't about to give us money to go to the circus with.
I think inside I always wanted to go on that elephant ride. Like some long lost kid dream that you stick away somewhere.

I'm 31 now. And I paid $5 at African Lions Safari so that me and my oldest boy could enjoy an elephant ride. There was something so important on the inside of me to take that ride. To pay that $5 dollars and ride that tiny track and get my photo taken.
Somewhere on the inside I remembered what it was like to not have that $5 and I've never appreciated such a child's ride so much that I could ever remember.

Big Ben

 He's big, beautiful Benjamin. He wakes in the morning with squeals of delight. I wander in in half a daze to find a boy who loves to wake up in the morning. Obviously taking after his dad.

I must admit that I take some special delight to see other babies of the same age. In comparison I haven't seen one that measures to the length or structure of my big Ben. Inside I

 smile with joy to think I may have a big son when he grows up.
Something about the idea of having two boys taller than my husband and I both is such a point of pride for me as a mom.

Aside from his size I love his eyes. They seem so soft and curious of the world around him. No fears or worries. Just a tenderness that only seems to

 last a short while when we are young.

With a large open mouth smile he greets onlookers and stares in a way that would be rude if he were an adult. But since he's a baby people take it as a compliment that he finds them interesting. They'll smile back and wonder what is so special about them that a baby would care to look so long.

And at night, I tuck him in giving him a bottle in bed. As I hold it I give a big yawn and he stares and then smiles as if I have told a hilarious joke. I don't know what is so funny about me yawning but he certainly must think my gap is huge, because he pauses every time to smile. And I think to myself..baby, why do you stare at me? what is so interesting?

Two kids packed, two grown ups good to go. We headed out on the road for our two hour drive to a family shin dig.
I love and hate road trips. They consist of massive packing and the hope that our children will sleep on the way. Mostly they are good and just watch out the windows. We've got better at knowing to be on the ball with road trip food,snacks,drinks and meal times. This makes it all easier.
We arrive and I am no longer a primary care giver. My youngest is wisked away and my oldest plays in the dirt till he looks like "pig pen" from Charlie Brown.

The day's filled with food, laughter, model plane show and water ballons. And my oldest who hates the local water park get willingly hosed down by his cousin.

With baths and ice cream and finally some lolli pops we all pack back into the vehicle with the hope that they'll be asleep in a short time. Smiles and hugs all around.
And quiet....most of the way home. :)

Knighthood

In our home we knight our boys young :)

Boy of Adventure.

 He runs and plays on his own still. Ever adventurous and shy. He loves to explore the deep shadows of the forest or just the bushes at the local park.
Running like a page in training to one day be a knight he looks at the world much like me, an adventure. A lost world full of evil to fight and, in his case, maidens to be rescued. This being the stage before girls become gross.
When he sees other kids playing he sneaks along side, especially older kids. Fascinated by these middle sized people. Mimicing their actions and curious to be around them, he watches intently.

 I delight in his exploration of the world. He makes me smile with every new handful of dirt or picking of leaves. Each new find that I then have to say...no baby, that's yucky, and take the trash he's found away.

 His favourite part though..the swings. I can't seem to get him back to the slide. He just likes to swing, ... and swing....and swing. :)

Another good day.

Brotherly love

He cries and he brings him a toy. Dropping it on him he feels sure he's done a good thing, while his little brother wails harder now because he has been overtaken by a heavy toy.
He laughs at his brother to cheer him up. He shoves a soother in his mouth sideways trying to get it just right. For all his good intentions his little brother at this time doesn't much appreciate it.
But once and a while they just hang out. On the couch or in a laundry basket. Big brother wraps his arms around little brother to keep him steady.
It warms a moms heart to see it.

Not even two months.

 

Its not been two months since my dad passed and I feel like I've returned to regular life. Except for those moments. They catch me unguarded and vulnerable and I often would just let them stay for a while like a temporary friends visit.
I sat looking at his picture. Not one I would have picked as a photographer and as I looked at it I realized that he had that same slouched eye like me. He was smiling as they always choose for your funeral pamphlet.
I wondered if the person who placed it on the card had seen a million like it and was more concerned of the editing of it then who the man actually was.
I felt envious of people suddenly who still have their dad. I was always one to fail in areas of feeling "deserving" of what is mine. Something I need to work on.
Two months...not even two months....
I cried and the tears felt like they would never stop. The ache that is carried long after someone is gone that just sits in the back of ones heart like a dark cowboy at the back of a bar.
Two months and I had seen that sitting back there. Once and a while it would surface in tears and I didn't bother to stop it. Why would I. It would only supress it for a while and then come out later. I don't hide my tears around people or at church but only ask God to come closer. If His healing presence brings tears then so be it and who cares who sees that. Let them see. Let people see that God is gentle to me and caring and everything I need right now.
Two months...
Will people be back to their regular life two months after I have passed? Maybe less if I'm really old and they were expecting it?
In the last year I decided to put aside my "life goals" and ask God if I could help complete his goals. And this is why. Because two months after I pass people will be back to regular life. A distant memory I'll be. Missed but moved on from. And once my own generation who knew me passes no one will remember me personally. That is just how it is.
But my Father in Heaven knows me and his purpose is good for my life.

My food!!!

So there is this thing that has occurred in our home now that I never thought I'd do. When I eat my food… if its good stuff I sneak it. I will literally hide out in the kitchen with chocolate, cereal, fruit or really anything I don't want my professional taste tester to get his little hands on.
Now that we have kids there us no longer my plate and their plate. There is only " hey what cha' got over there? Can I have some?". Then he comes over, opens his mouth and waits for fillage . Tounge stuck out gaping wide hole of hunger standing in front of me like a third world refugee.
All of a sudden it comes from my very own lips.
MINe!
Yes it wasn't him. I said it.
My food! Just let me eat what's on my plate or in my bowl! You already ate yours! This is MINe!!

Settled. I crumble for some peace of mind. Some sense that feeding this mini beggar is morally right. Even though he already had his.

Complacency

Stagnancy is the number one killer of Christians today.

Complacency has got to be one of my largest pet peeves as of currently. Complacency not among non Christians but right within our church community.
In short complacency to me is the picture of a child that responds to everything with.."i don't care". Have you ever been around someone like that? Isn't it excruciating!
I have such a desire to say "what do you care about then!??"
No passions, no cares, no looking around at our friends and family who are destined for hell.
How about this. Does the though of child pornography disturbe you? It should. Does seniors being abused or spoken to disrespectfully bother you? Does the sight of a teen on crack leave any lasting mark on your conscience? hopefully it has some effect. The effect that there is something wrong in the world. Oh if only we had a hero like the singers like to proclaim. Or , oh if someone would just save me from this meth habit, like a lost man whispers to his dog, his last friend and companion.
Complacency sees these things and says "i don't care", it says "I will not tell you of the hero I know. He is mine and I will not share him". Complacency separates us and divides us.
If you feel a note of complacency in you then begin to ask God to remove it. Ask him to show you the world as he sees it and then to give you courage to follow his direction and share the hero Jesus Christ with them.

Its his birthday and he'll get away with it.

It was an awesome day on the 19th of July. Hot beyond belief but we went to the pool in a near by town that had a kiddie area. Warm water, water mushroom, pool noodles and two boys who were loving the family time. Caleb was 2 that day.

After we went to eat at a nearby restaurant where my husband I had extra patience with Caleb because he was tired AND it was his birthday. He cried and wouldn't eat and everything under the sun.
Before leaving the area we dropped in at the local conservation area because my husband had wanted to show Caleb the wildlife there, like the birds.
Finally at home we all crashed and napped. A great day.
I woke to the sounds of Caleb in his room. I went to see and noticed that he had taken off his diaper and pooped on the floor. Well then. I guess that's a good indicator of potty training time. Happy second birthday to you.....
After about an hour out of his diaper, sitting on and off the potty I am sitting on the floor infront of Ben who is in the swing. My arm becomes wet...droplets?...what? what is this?..Caleb?....

Here he is squat beside me...splashing pee from the floor at me.

Yes...happy birthday to you.......

Just a day.

from Foto search Stock Images

He cries and I jump to attention. The simple sound of his cry makes me cringe inside and want to respond in some way. Sometimes I feel like yelling. Sometimes like rushing and others like giving up the towel and becoming the robot slave of a mom.
Shovel in food
Change diaper
Cradle
Love...system overload....break down .

The dishes start to pile and the laundry too. Martha Stewart, do you have children? and if you do why don't you write a book about keeping a good home with kids. Keeping house with no kids is too easy. If only i'd known that before. My house could have looked like a palace!

My oldest runs about. He's now taken on the role of the oldest and only once and a while comes to me to be held like he was before. Squeezed tight and kissed a thousand times. Then he wiggles away like he has better things to do with his time and plays with his dinky cars, until another hugging urge over takes him.

I play with my iphone, sitting close enough for my youngest to kick me and know that I'm here. My love language is NOT touch so a lot of holding is hard for me. I try to just be near and make lots of fun faces. Talk to him and when my oldest leaves the room...wonder what he's got into. When he starts to giggle it makes me wonder what fun he has found.

The day may fair well. Or perhaps arguments may ensue as to disagreeing with nap times or amount of time outside. But then they sleep and look so beautiful and cute as they snore away in their beds.

There is good in being a mom.

Wake up and adventure out.

 

In my marriage I appreciate being past the dating nooby stage. The lets figure out who is bring out the garbage stage. I like to think that in my relationship with Jesus we've gone past that point to.

In a recent post I asked who wishes their relationship with jesus was more passionate. I figure some people took this in different ways. But mostly I was asking....who is in a ministry that you feel passionate to serve Jesus in? Who is reading their bible regularly and wanting to go back for more. Being amazed at what God is revealing to them? Who is leaning on God in their weakness and glad about it. Who is amazed at His strength?

The other way one could word that is:
Who woke up this morning and thought there is nothing different from one day to the next?
Who looks in the mirror and only sees a person aging?
Who reads fb and thinks...is this all there is?
Who goes to bed with no excitement for tomorrow?

I am of the first group.
I was of the second group just a year ago. And that had been a stage for a couple years. No passion. No adventure!

But then I just asked God. Lord, I want adventure in my life. This day to day stuff is boring. I want to be alive. Use me!

Pick up your bible and read it...slowly! Its not good to eat quickly :)
Gives you hiccups.
When your talking to people and see an opportunity to share your faith or have wanted to. Pray right then and ask God to give you courage and provide an opening.
Pray outside the box. Think Big. God is big.

Love adventure and courage and what is right and good and just.



Luke 20:38
He is not the God of the dead, but of the living, for to him all are alive.

Mourning for Dummies

Step One:
Someone needs to pass away. If this doesn't happen you'll be a rather odd person for the next few stages. Or just a dark individual.

Step two:
Attend a wake. Shake a lot of hands of people you don't know. Take in their offer of "condolance" because they don't know what else to say. And offer up your "thank you for coming" because your more than obviously confused about who they are and if their even at the right wake!

Step three:
Attend a funeral. Don't stare at the coffin. Bring Kleenexes for the person beside you, who you probably won't know. And wonder if your at the right funeral. Don't pull a Mr. Bean like I did and sing the wrong chorus loudly. Keep with the group and don't be noticed!

Step four:
Return to normal life and try to act like its all normal.

Step five.
Because no one really wants the long end of the story. Post a picture on facebook as a profile pic. Try to avoid anything with clowns. That just drops into a creepy aspect that could get you put away to a fourth floor. Keep to fuzzy bunnies or storm clouds.

Step six.
write a journal. Even if you plan to throw it out after. You'll need it for junk that runs through your head. If you don't get it out here you'll try stopping people randomly to tell them your story. And it'll probably make them uncomfortable. At least a wee bit.

Step seven.

Forgive. But lets face it. Any argument you have now is just one sided.

Step eight.
Finally. Unfriend the person on fb. They've moved on. So should you.

Eulogy

 

Rick Bell was a father. A husband. A brother. A son.

A provider. A protector A Step dad. And a Grandpa

He was a gift giver. a smiler. A teacher. An Uncle. And a snorer.

He was a friend, a mentor. And a man who folded clothing much too neatly.

Nostalgic.

An encourager. Advice giver. A dreamer and adventurer.

A truck driver. A beer drinker, a teller of bad jokes and a afternoon napper on occasion.

Small footed. Horse loving, talker. And observer.

A teller of life stories…over and over… and over. A man full of great memories.

A leader, A man. And a child of God.

Rick Bell was and is loved.

Brian and Shannon's Wedding

Our meeting last week. He got to play with Caleb and Sylvia cuddled Benjamin. Great memory.

My wedding day.

This is how I mourn.

This is my way of mourning. I write. Its the way I empty it out and gather it up and empty it out again.

For those who may not know my dad, Rick passed away this weekend. Between the waves of emotion I started to understand why David, when he lost his son from Bathsheba, got up from mourning and began to praise God. 

Sometimes, when it hurts like a freight train. That's it. That's all there is is Him. Nothing can fill that void. But how amazing is the reassurance of his saving grace. A bitter sweetness.

As I go through this time and gather the memories together I have. I find such hope in my Lord. I can not go where he has gone right now but my Lord is there with him. Him and his TWo legs. 

What a beautiful picture I have settled in of him, tossing of the weight of those crutches and walking with Jesus.

Faith Camping 2011

 

Well I've been given my husbands blessing on my new adventure. 3 days in the wilderness of the bruce trail with no food except what I fish or find or catch or schmoose out of some kindly campers.

What are you doing? you may ask?

A faith trip. A time for me to rely on God's provision. And maybe God will provide no food. Or maybe I'm going to be blogging the most awesomest trip ever! 

Where did I ever come up with such an idea. Well!

I always had this inner child dream of just setting off for a weekend. Actually when I was a teen I thought it'd be cool to go for a summer. Just hit the road. What's on your back kinda adventure. Now that I serve God there is this other story I read a while back of a missionary learning about "faith in God". So the college he's at makes teams go out, complete a task that they have nothing to complete with, and return back to the college a few days later. And the story ends that God provided everything is really cool ways. Just to note at this point is that, God didn't have to. It wasn't life or death or anything like that. But He took the opportunity given to Him to stretch a servants faith.

I too want to give God the opportunity to stretch my faith and give me some time in the woods for time to just listen to Him. 

So, 3 days on the trails. no food, but i'll have a fishing rod. Aqua pills to clean the water and a filter bag. tarp, blanket,hammok. All need to be easily packed as I'll be carrying them. 

My biggest fear is not wild animals or breaking my leg and laying somewhere for dead. My biggest fear is the dark. Yep. Like a little child. The dark still gets me. 

 

But I've loved a verse I've learned lately from John 1:5

"There is a light in the darkness and the darkness can never extinguish it."