Its not been two months since my dad passed and I feel like I've returned to regular life. Except for those moments. They catch me unguarded and vulnerable and I often would just let them stay for a while like a temporary friends visit.
I sat looking at his picture. Not one I would have picked as a photographer and as I looked at it I realized that he had that same slouched eye like me. He was smiling as they always choose for your funeral pamphlet.
I wondered if the person who placed it on the card had seen a million like it and was more concerned of the editing of it then who the man actually was.
I felt envious of people suddenly who still have their dad. I was always one to fail in areas of feeling "deserving" of what is mine. Something I need to work on.
Two months...not even two months....
I cried and the tears felt like they would never stop. The ache that is carried long after someone is gone that just sits in the back of ones heart like a dark cowboy at the back of a bar.
Two months and I had seen that sitting back there. Once and a while it would surface in tears and I didn't bother to stop it. Why would I. It would only supress it for a while and then come out later. I don't hide my tears around people or at church but only ask God to come closer. If His healing presence brings tears then so be it and who cares who sees that. Let them see. Let people see that God is gentle to me and caring and everything I need right now.
Will people be back to their regular life two months after I have passed? Maybe less if I'm really old and they were expecting it?
In the last year I decided to put aside my "life goals" and ask God if I could help complete his goals. And this is why. Because two months after I pass people will be back to regular life. A distant memory I'll be. Missed but moved on from. And once my own generation who knew me passes no one will remember me personally. That is just how it is.
But my Father in Heaven knows me and his purpose is good for my life.